It is 1:22am and tonight I am battling with wondering if God hears my prayers. And PS I think I’ve figured out why I’m so sleepy all the time stress and a lack of sleep is probably the culprit. I have been realizing today that it has been 1 full year and about 9 days since we left staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. On June 1, 2008 we left staff seeking what God had next for us. We were frustrated with staff life for various reasons, Jonathan was sick (his thyroid), I was pregnant, we were hoping to move to Memphis where it seemed promising to find a job at St. Jude’s Children’s Hopital and to be close to family. I remember being fearful that things weren’t going to work out. I also remember wondering where we would be a year from now. And here I sit. It feels like we are exactly in the same place we were a year ago. Just more tired, and more frustrated. And there are more things that are difficult than just leaving staff. My parents are getting divorced, Jonathan’s dad is struggling with memory loss. Half the time I’m anxious and my heart aches so bad that I just don’t know what to do. I can’t sit still. Caden’s smile is one of the only things that keeps me going everyday.
I feel like I have been spouting the same prayers for a year now. And yet I wait to see if God will ever answer them, if he will ever bless them. It is so easy to stop and think that my heart is all wrong and that’s the reason why God hasn’t bothered to answer yet. Maybe it is, yet I pray for God to reveal if that is so and change it. It hasn’t happened yet. Every day I pray for my husband that he would not be frustrated, that God would bless him, that he would be doing exactly what God wants him to do for work and that if he is not that God would show him exactly where he wants him to be. Frequently (but not frequently enough) I pray for my parents that God might heal what has been so broken for so long. I sit here with tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I need to start praying for Jonathan’s dad and family more. Maybe that’s half my problem. Maybe I’m praying too selfishly. My prayers often show me how selfish a person I am. I pray what is on my mind and what is on my mind is often myself. How do you get your mind off yourself? I’m selfish! Lord, please turn my inward prayers outward.
Well, it’s getting close to 2:00am. I don’t do well on little sleep. I hope to be able to sleep tonight, but I don’t feel tired at all. I do believe God answers prayers. I know he has answered many of mine in the past. I have a wonderful husband, my baby boy is healthy, we do have enough for today, I would appriciate your prayers. I will be praying for God to turn my heart towards him!