Heart Sick

Well, what a day!  Like every other! I started this blog in order to remind myself of the blessings in life.  To remind myself of family and my baby boy and my wonderful husband.  And I have been doing just that as I write. But as I write I realize that my heart literally feels sick. My family is not whole.  Though no one’s is completely on this earth and we continue to stuggle as the months and the days progress.  Though it has been really rough the past several months since we left staff with our Christian Ministry it continues to be difficult.  Jonathan needs more clients.  He is really cut out of this kind of job as far as being up on the economy goes.  Our savings is drawing to an end and the past several nights I have been waking up with this really terrible feeling in my chest.  We are SO ready to be finished with this very difficult season in our life.  I kind of feel helpless myself.  I want nothing more than to care for my baby boy at home.  I really have no speacial skills only a college degree in psychology and five years experience as college campus staff.  We have no family here and so I feel like I am imposing when it comes to child care and we can’t afford to pay for it right now.  I continue to try to be patient to and try to wait on the Lord but it continues to before more and more difficult as the days progress.  Though I want to trust in his goodness as I always have I am in perhaps the most uncomfortable place that I have ever been in my life.  I try to live life trusting and stress free but yet it sneaks up on me and even seems to steal my sleep.  I feel as though it is steeling my husbands sleeps as well. I’m so exhusted I can’t even get everything I need to get done around the house.  I pray and pray and pray for this season to end.  I will rejoice when it finally does because it seems as though it must.

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